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Independent Together

Sat, 01 Jan 2022 13:52:47 GMT

How To Develop Self-Identity

Know Yourself | Being in a long-term committed relationship doesn’t mean that you lose your personal identity. In fact, the best partnerships are those that encourage personal growth in their significant other and vice versa. Let’s be honest, you being you is the reason why your partner fell in love with you in the first place!

In my work as a Denver marriage counselor and online relationship coach , I have worked with so many couples that struggle with this exact moment(s) in their relationship – feeling like they lost “themselves.” If you want to develop self-identity, I have some helpful tips you can put into practice.

Falling in love and creating a life together is fun, challenging, and sometimes even consuming. It’s not uncommon that you may find yourself feeling a little lost in your identity from time to time.

When you have been romantically involved with someone for a long period of time, feelings, thoughts, beliefs, dislikes, and passions often start to mend together. These mending moments are often beautiful and encouraging to a relationship that has worked so hard to be successful.

However, when you move forward together in your partnership, it’s also important to continue to grow and develop self-identity and to truly know yourself – developing your own personality, likes, and dislikes in order to continue contributing to your relationship and its success.

The happiest and most successful couples do these five things to strengthen their relationship. Here’s how to develop your self-identity and experience personal growth in a committed relationship.

If You Want to Develop Self-Identity, Learn Something New

Life can feel like it’s moving at a hundred miles per hour when you’re busy balancing work, family, friends, home, pets, health, and your relationship. And when the whirlwind of everything and everyone occupies all of your time and energy – it’s hard to see much further past the present moment that you are in (or attempting to catch up to).

This idea of furthering your education may feel unrealistic or at the very least, impractical with current life events.

The awesome thing about education is that you don’t have to “go back to school” or even enroll in a class (unless you want to and have the time to do so). All you need is to find a topic or area of study that you are interested in furthering your education and want to further develop self identity.

Then, support yourself in this learning journey by subscribing to a podcast, purchasing a book, signing up for a newsletter, or even meeting with an expert in whatever field you’re interested in learning more about.

Then, while you are driving to work, running your weekly errands, or running the kids between afterschool activities you can listen to a podcast, read a chapter while waiting for swim lessons to end, catch up with a weekly newsletter over coffee, or grab lunch with someone who can speak to what it is you are interested in.

Alternatively, if you struggle to find something that you are interested in learning more about – maybe connecting with an online life coach could help shed some light on areas of interest and beneficial pathways to your personal success.

This simple (and sometimes passive) way of learning will encourage personal growth and personal understanding while you continue to balance all that life throws at you. Not only will you be developing the way you see yourself and the world, but you will also open up new conversations between you and your partner.

Have a Hobby That’s All Yours to Help Develop Self-Identity

The more effort you put into finding that perfect you hobby, the more you will enjoy it and look forward to it.

You and your partner may have EVERYTHING in common, and that’s okay…but I promise you, if you take the time to find something that is ALL yours – it feels super rewarding.

I’m not saying that you have to keep this new hobby from your partner, but the more you treat it as your you time , the more beneficial it will be.

For those who have been in a long-term relationship (and I mean a relationship that literally feels like for-ev-er) it can feel intimidating and even difficult to find a new hobby that’s all yours. Try a few things out; if you decide you hate it – try something else. You have options when you want to develop self-identity!

The more effort you put into finding that perfect you hobby, the more you will enjoy it and look forward to it. Remember, the whole point of this experiment is to fall more in love with who you are and to continue growing as the awesome individual that you already are!

Make Your Friendships a Priority

Yes, I’m looking at you → “Well, I have friends, but I only see them once a month if our schedules line up, and the kids are away at someone else’s house for the night, and my partner is also friends with my friends’ partners.” ← Stop overcomplicating your friendships!

Making your friendships a priority is extremely important in any relationship and an excellent way to develop self-identity. You need your gal pals or dudes who have completely different and often similar walks of life to challenge you, encourage you, comfort you, and keep you on your toes.

If Finding Friends You Can Count On feels like a challenge, then it might be a good time to reassess your friendships and begin working towards healthier, more sustainable relationships. It’s important as adults that we prioritize our friendships, here’s more on: The Importance of Healthy Friendships .

While your partner might be your best friend, don’t forget about your besties. They need you as much as you need them in order to grow as an individual and even flourish in your partnership. A good friend can offer support, accountability, and help you know yourself (or at the very least, remind you who you are when you need it the most).

Develop Self-Identity by Developing Your Idea of Art and Culture

There is so much we can learn about ourselves by the music we enjoy, the pictures we take, the food we cook, and the way in which we share these experiences with our world.

For some, the love of art, music, and culture comes naturally. However, a lot of us are a little more generic and may find it difficult to stay interested or appear so at the dinner parties of our most artistic and culturally savvy friends. The thing with art is that there is SO much of it. There are so many fantastic forms of it – painting, drawing, live-action, music, graphic design…the list goes on. Art stems from cultures, lifestyles, fantasies, and often tragedies. Knowing not necessarily the history of art but knowing how it makes you feel is important.

There is so much that we can learn about ourselves by the music we enjoy, the pictures we take, the food we cook, and the way in which we share these experiences with our world.

Developing a keen sense into what you enjoy and why you enjoy it will not only promote a greater understanding of the self but you will also have a deeper understanding into areas of you that your partner fell in love with.

I think we often get swept up in keeping up with the …… (insert your play on this here) and we forget all the little and big things that bring us joy and make you, well…you! If you have ever heard a song or watched a movie that you proclaimed “I used to LOVE this song/movie!” Then you know a little of what I am talking about.

I encourage you to keep chasing after those passions that may even feel a little juvenile to you now with the chores, employment, family, and general life obligations. The thing is, this passion is still inside of you. Maybe playing guitar for that punk band in high school didn’t end up in a successful music career – but the art of playing guitar, appreciating music, and the drive to be better (or even the best) at whatever it was you were in love with at that time is still a part of who you are. Let that side of you show more and encourage yourself to grow in these areas as it ultimately created a big part of who you are today.

Set Aside Time For Self-Care

I know you have heard this probably a million times (no exaggeration), but self-care is one of the BEST and MOST IMPORTANT things you can do for you and your relationship. Setting time aside to take care of yourself physically, emotionally, and spiritually will help set you and your relationship up for success.

It’s easy to say “yeah, yeah, I get it…self-care, I got it – thanks!” It’s a lot harder to follow through with it and meet yourself where you need it the most. If you are finding yourself needing a little emotional vacay, check out: Emotional Self Care When Your Life is Falling Apart .

Self-care may be a habitual event for you – like drinking coffee and having quiet time before the family wakes up. Or it might be a little less traditional and change week to week. Whatever your body, heart, and mind are telling you, be sure to listen. Your ability to take care of yourself ultimately affects your ability to take care of others.

If you find yourself getting irritable, depressed, angry , stressed-out, overwhelmed, or even just complacent – that’s your cue that it’s time for a little me time.

Self-care doesn’t mean that you have to spend time alone. Self-care is different for everyone and if that means a weekend (or couple hours) to yourself, awesome. And if it means something entirely different, that’s great too.

Here’s to YOU and the awesome individual you are in and out of your relationship.

Reconnecting After Stress

Sat, 18 Apr 2020 12:52:47 GMT

Restoring Relationships After an Argument

The tension felt these days are making emotions easy to trigger. Physical distancing leads to depression , anxiety , and sleep disruptions. ¹ Reactions to online comments are causing hurtful disagreements. Even with people you care about, you are more likely to force the last word in an argument or you are disengaging after people say things you judge as totally wrong. The ongoing resentment you feel after the argument can damage an important relationship. If you need to work or live with someone, or you enjoyed the friendship in the past, then it is worth doing what you can to restore your positive feelings about the relationship and their sense of connection to you.

Choose to regain respect

One of the quickest ways to destroy a relationship is to lose respect. Without respect, it is difficult to work with colleagues, honor friendships, or stay in love with your spouse. Feeling contempt or shutting down when you see a person keeps you stuck in a toxic emotional pattern. You pay more attention to the faults of the person and the disappointments of their behavior. You are left feeling callous and cold.

You might prefer to justify your reactions than to be the one who takes the higher road. To regain the respect you once had, you first have to consciously and genuinely choose to find your way back. The angrier you are, the harder this will be. The choice is yours.

Set a heartfelt intention

Before your next conversation with the person, be clear what you want as an outcome. They may feel hurt or angry so you need to keep your intention as the anchor for the conversation. Your intention will keep you on purpose even if they don’t respond as you hope.

Even if you wish they would see things differently or act in a new way, your emotional intention should focus on the value of your relationship. Remember how much you care about the person or the importance of the relationship right now. You might need to give them space to reset the relationship without losing your desire to be of service or to strengthen your bond. Your emotional reactions will impact the outcome of the conversation.

Before you face the person, find a quiet place to sit and silence your mind. Re-connect with feelings such as gratitude , kindness, compassion, appreciation, and love. Choose one or two of these emotions to replant in your body if you start to lose control when you talk.

Share your intention

The next time you speak, don’t act as if nothing happened. Immediately acknowledge how you felt about your last interaction while expressing your hope for a more accepting relationship going forward. For example, you might say: “I know we didn’t see eye to eye. Whether you saw it that way or not, I don’t want our disagreement to hurt our relationship. Would you be willing to see what it will take to hit the reset button on our relationship?”

If the person you are speaking with reacts defensively, accept their response. If they feel the need to punish you, listen with the intention to restore the relationship you once had. Remember what is important about staying connected. Know the person is doing the best he or she can, working through a difficult moment just like you.

These tips should help:

Don’t judge or try to stop people from feeling their emotions. Hear them out. Summarize what they tell you to make sure they know you heard what they said.
Regulate your reactions. You might find their defensiveness triggers you to feel angry or fearful. If your breathing quickens or stops, take a deep breath into your abdomen and slowly let the breath out. As your brain settles down, choose to be curious about why the person had a negative reaction to your words.
Don’t say, “don’t take it personally” or “don’t be so defensive.” You will fortify the person’s negative reactions. Tell the person you are sorry for the misunderstanding but you are hoping to stay positively connected now.
Tune in to what they need. Do they need assurance? Do they need to talk about their frustrations without being made wrong? What can you offer to help them feel you appreciate them? Listening for what they need shows you genuinely care.
Apologize , or at least admit you don’t always express yourself well and you would like to try again. This doesn’t mean you were wrong. Your humility will soften their defensiveness.
If you feel the conversation is getting off track, recall the purpose of the conversation. Remind the person that you care about the relationship and want to have more positive interactions in the future. Ask again if they want this outcome as well and if they are willing to find a way forward together.

It is in your power to restore relationships if you choose to.

Psychologically connect when you have to distance yourself physically

Don't destroy relationships you need even more now because of the psychological effects of physical distancing. Restoring relationships increases your feelings of self-respect as well as your care for others. You replenish a sense of harmony in your world. It takes much more energy to avoid someone than to rediscover what is valuable about the person. Practice reconnecting to bring more peace and meaning into this time of uncertainty.

Recovering from Addiction

Mon, 30 Dec 2019 16:33:48 GMT

There can be many different pathways to remission. But the mechanisms by which people change are the same.

Despite what people may tell you, changing behavior is easy. It’s maintaining change that’s hard—creating new and sustained ways of thinking and behaving. As Mark Twain quipped, “Quitting [ smoking ] is easy, I’ve done it dozens of times.” Many can begin a positive health behavior change, but most will run out of gas before they’re around the first bend.

The tragedy of the opioid epidemic, which has killed hundreds of thousands of individuals over the past 20 years, has thrust addiction into the spotlight, forcing a consideration of what addiction is and what helps people overcome it and recover. Not to discount the anguish caused by this epidemic, but there is some good news: Much has been learned about the nature of addiction, the processes of behavior change involved in recovery, and the active elements in the pathways that people take into remission and long-term stable recovery.

It is now well known that the repetition of rewarding behaviors produces changes in brain function and structure that facilitate habits and, for some, sustained compulsivity and addiction. Like other complex illnesses and disorders, addiction is multifactorial, resulting from a combination of genetic, social, psychological, and environmental forces.

Genetics plays an important role in conferring vulnerability to addiction. Genetic factors influence how substances are metabolized and experienced. Such biological differences can influence whether substance use continues and increases, remains “social” and occasional, or does not occur at all. In the early stages, however, those more genetically vulnerable to addiction are unaware of the risky path they are on; their experience is merely of a memorable and highly desirable new discovery.

The processes of neural plasticity and neural toxicity that deeply entrench the behaviors of substance use in the brain can make those behaviors difficult to change. Nevertheless, data bear out that most people who meet the clinical criteria for an alcohol or other drug use disorder achieve full recovery. In fact, the latest figures from the National Survey on Drug Use and Health indicate that among those who had an alcohol or drug problem, the remission rate is approximately 75 percent.

In 2016, my colleagues and I surveyed another nationally representative sample. We discovered that the national prevalence of those in recovery is approximately 9.1 percent, or 22.35 million U.S. adults. Nearly one in 10 persons in the U.S. has recovered or is recovering from a substance use disorder.

The statistics are tremendously encouraging about recovery. Still, it’s important to recognize that the recovery change process itself is very difficult. The journey to remission can be bumpy, and it can take a long time.

The Stages of Change

Hundreds of studies of addictive behavior change reveal that a common process underlies all progress toward recovery. Researchers have identified and mapped out five stages of change, and they can be used as a kind of recovery GPS—a guide to determine where anyone may be in the process of recovery.

In the first stage, precontemplation, substance users are largely unaware that their alcohol or drug use is causing problems. But to others around them, it may be very clear that substance use is costing more than just money. Over time, substance users move into a contemplation stage and begin to consider the possibility that use has some negative consequences.

A decision stage follows, marked by the intention to do something about the substance use. It is followed by an action stage—actual, concrete behaviors are learned and performed to transform the decision into tangible operations. In the maintenance phase, skills are deployed and processes are engaged to sustain the initial changes over the long term.

Relapse should be considered a sixth stage, a nearly inevitable part of the process of change. After a return to old behaviors, people make a decision to resume their active strategies of coping, facilitating remission and recovery. Recovery from addiction is a developmental learning process, and people often stumble as they progress along a new and unfamiliar path. Eventually people in recovery become confident navigators.

While it is common to blame oneself for a fall, overly engaging in self-denigration is rarely helpful in recovery. The important thing is to take a look back to notice where you fell and what caused the stumble. Taking stock of the impediments enables people to learn as they go, staying more vigilant and discovering the nature of the terrain, diminishing the likelihood of making the same mistake going forward.

Change is always difficult, and the temptation is constant to fall back into old and familiar patterns of thinking and behaving. Creating a new path takes proactive effort and much repetition before it feels comfortable. Happily, you don’t have to make all the mistakes yourself to learn what to do. Learning vicariously from others’ wrong turns is smart. Their missteps, when observed or communicated, provide guidance in how to proceed.

Step by Step

The principle of equifinality states that there can be many different pathways to a common developmental endpoint. In this case, the endpoint is remission. Any and all pathways should be cause for celebration. While our cultural psyche tends to default to a clinical recovery pathway involving some kind of mix of rehab and/or AA—which can be lifesaving—in fact, many recover without using any external services. Others make use of medications, and still others recover with religious or spiritual guidance.

No matter the pathway to recovery, the mechanisms by which people change are the same. Research shows that whether people make use of formal clinical services, mutual-help organizations like SMART Recovery and AA, or find their own unique path, they engage a common set of tools.

From an extensive review of the literature, Mary Leamy and colleagues at King’s College London synthesized information about people’s experience of recovery and identified key features of the recovery process. The ingredients of successful recovery can be summarized by the acronym CHIME: connection, hope and optimism , identity, meaning and purpose, and empowerment.

Connecting with others also in recovery can be key to staying on the path, traversing rough terrain, and simply being able to tolerate and even enjoy the journey. Carl Jung described such social connections in addiction recovery as the “protective wall of human community.”

The example set by others who have successfully traversed the recovery terrain can instill hope and optimism, another active recovery ingredient. Role models make recovery visible, tangible, possible. Actively seeking input from peers on the path to recovery, a clinician, or both can be invaluable early on. Intensive support is often needed for staying on track.

When the going gets tough—as it often does early in recovery—a coach can help you keep to your goals . Frequent feedback, encouragement, and support are vital, because physical and psychological resilience are still low, and the temptation is to give up and give in.

As people move along the recovery path, they not only gain new skills, they also begin to view themselves differently. A shift toward a new positive identity occurs as they encounter themselves in a new light. Frequent intoxication and, more broadly, the addictive process often mean that people have violated their own values, morals, and standards. They feel intense remorse, guilt , and regret, and have a poor self-image . Through the recovery process, behavior again begins to align with their values and goals. Integrity, self-confidence , and self-esteem grow, laying the foundation for a more positive identity.

New meaning and purpose compose another active ingredient of recovery. Sometimes the renewed sense of purpose is framed as spirituality . In my own research, investigating a nationally representative sample of recovering persons, I have found that the sense of spiritual connection is particularly true among African-American and Hispanic individuals.

But new meaning and purpose can come from many sources— family, social connections, work, or renewed recreational interests. The point is that there is value placed on these new sources of activity, and that value confers new rewards that can compete with and overtake the desire to return to substance use, supporting sustained remission. Recovery community centers have emerged around the country, and through the employment linkages they offer, they can facilitate future orientation and new enthusiasm for life.

Empowerment is another necessary mechanism of change; in psychological parlance it’s known as self-efficacy . It stems from the ability to consistently cope with the demands of recovery and a new life.

The Nitty-Gritty Skills of Recovery

Yet one more acronym captures the skills people actually deploy to successfully navigate the tricky terrain of early recovery. It’s DEADS, for delay, escape, avoid, distract, and substitute. When, for example, cravings hit, a helpful strategy is to self-negotiate a delay of use. This is a cognitive maneuver that doesn’t deny the possibility of future use, but rather, seeks to delay it. It relies on the fact that most cravings dissipate within 10 to 15 minutes and that waiting it out (or better, getting busy with something else) will result in a happier 15-minutes-from-now experience rather than a capitulation.

Escape is fairly self-explanatory. A lot can be at stake in a relapse, including life itself; doing whatever is necessary to ensure a way out of high-risk situations is essential. Having a “parachute” ready for such eventualities takes a little preparation and knowledge that some situations (such as a social event or party) will in fact be high risk. Strategically avoiding an event, a person, or a situation with a polite excuse can yield lifesaving dividends, especially early in recovery.

Distraction can also help interrupt craving-induced thoughts of using, which can gather momentum. Rapid interventions—cognitive, such as calling to mind a particular recovery idea or reciting a mantra or saying a prayer, or behavioral, such as reaching out to a recovering friend or reading something recovery-related—can derail that locomotive before it leaves the station.

Finally, the S is for substitute. For many with an alcohol problem, drinking a different kind of beverage can keep recovery on track. Such a simple maneuver maintains all the behavioral actions of drinking—while eliminating the active drug (ethyl alcohol)—and that can be enough to at least partially mollify the brain’s reward pathway.

Today, this very minute, there are tens of millions of Americans successfully in recovery. The principle of equifinality rings true: There are many pathways to liberation and a happier ending. Find one that fits and begin the journey sooner rather than later.

From Crisis To Solution

It’s a call anyone might dread but that has become only too commonplace in the opioid crisis. Someone you love is in the emergency room with a substance use problem, their release is imminent, and you have to quickly act to leverage the situation into a long-term solution. How do you find a high-quality addiction treatment program, one that you can afford?

Here are 12 things to look for:

Whether it’s an inpatient or outpatient facility, does it screen patients comprehensively for a range of substance use disorders as well as physical and mental health conditions?
Does the program address substance use and other existing problems in an integrated way?
What kinds of recovery support services and continuing care are provided for patients after they complete the first phase of care?
Does the treatment program provide as dignified and respectful an environment as would be found in other medical settings?
Does the program involve the patient’s significant others in the treatment, which increases the odds of sustained recovery?
Does the program engage specific strategies to enhance and maintain patient retention during the first weeks of treatment, when the dropout rate is highest?
Are the program’s services based on scientific research and principles? Such evidence-based care is linked to better outcomes.
Is there a credentialed staff representing diverse disciplines—such as addiction, medicine, psychiatry , spirituality? This is a generally reliable indicator of quality.
Is the program attuned to the potentially distinctive needs of men and women, LGBTQ+ populations, and persons of other cultural backgrounds?
Does the program collect data on patient outcomes and provide that information to prospective patients and their families?
Has the program met the standards of and been accredited by an external regulatory organization?
Will insurance cover the cost of treatment? Coverage for addiction treatment is complex and varies from plan to plan. You’ll need to call the member services department of your insurance provider; make sure to have your insurance card and membership identification number at the ready.

LinkedIn Image Credit: SeventyFour/Shutterstock

First, Love Yourself

Thu, 17 Jan 2019 13:57:40 GMT

The Importance of Self-Love

Have you ever experienced that "over the moon" sensation when you find out he/she loves you? Those words mean the world: “I love you." Your heart races, your stomach flutters, and you finally find comfort in knowing you matter.

It doesn’t have to be a lover. It can be positive feedback from your boss (“You did a great job!”) or a friend (“You are the best friend I have ever had!”) Or it can be a parent who might be older and ailing who finally says, “I always loved you even though I didn’t show it enough.”

That sense of “I matter to someone” or that someone loves you, admires you, and cares for you is deep and natural. It feels good to matter—to be important in someone’s world. Unconditional love is something all human beings crave, and unfortunately, many people do not get it from their family of origin.

Instead, the love they get is based on actions—being a “good girl” or “good boy”—or it is given out sporadically when the parent, guardian, or adult in the picture feels like being magnanimous. Most people never really experience true unconditional love from another person; the closest feeling they might get is the love of their beloved pet!

Because you might be lacking in love, and because it is somewhat dangerous to leave your emotional state (positive or negative) to the whims of someone else, and because heartache follows those beautiful words in many cases, it is important to learn how to love one’s self.

Loving one’s self does not mean developing a shell and blocking out the world. It doesn’t mean having an ego so big that no one else can fit into a room with you. It doesn’t mean forgoing relationships because you only enjoy being with yourself. And, while it may be tempting for many, it doesn’t mean you should only have pets for the rest of your life.

It does mean becoming comfortable with who you are. It means recognizing that someone else who didn’t learn unconditional love has a hard time giving it. It means recognizing that most human beings hurt, and they pass this hurt along to other people. Understanding this can help you turn your attention from waiting and wanting someone to make you whole, to realizing you have that ability inside of you.

Here are five ways you can start to cultivate self-love.

Recognize that no two people exactly alike. Even though genetics may predispose us to certain things, each individual has their own set of fingerprints by which they are known. Even identical twins who may look alike and sometimes act alike do not share fingerprints. This means you are truly and completely unique. That fact alone is a startling spiritual truth when you take a moment to digest it.
Realize that each person does what they are capable of in their own evolution and journey. Beating yourself up because you did or didn’t do something is useless. Most people overcome obstacles, and in doing so make a ton of mistakes along the way. It’s why people value age, because of the learning experiences. Instead of beating yourself up, embrace your journey and know that you are learning at each and every moment given to you.
Respect that each moment is a gift. Everyone knows someone who got a life-changing diagnosis or news that changed their view on what is important. Self-care is important. Don’t wait to apply it. Yes, there is plenty to do and worry about, and in the midst of it all, each moment gives you a chance to just stop and realize your own significance in the universe.
Remember that no one is perfect. Say that again—no one is perfect. Everyone has strengths and areas of opportunity. Don’t sell yourself short or compare yourself to others. It’s a losing proposition—there is always someone who would take your place in a minute, given their circumstances. Own what’s positive about you and enjoy those things.
Practice loving self-talk . Sometimes the things we say to ourselves are the most awful, demeaning things anyone could ever say. Instead of drilling into yourself how terrible you are or using self-defeating language, reframe—and use language that builds you up, not tears you down.

The journey doesn’t happen overnight. Start taking a couple of steps now to surround yourself with loving care.

Writing for Healing

Sat, 17 Mar 2018 12:52:47 GMT

Writing Supports Healing From Trauma

Three therapists and twelve women who are surviving partner or stranger violence, accidental trauma, and rape sit in a wide circle, not too close to each other, on a Tuesday evening. Our class, sponsored by a local non-profit, will present the modalities of meditation , Qi Gong, art therapy , and writing, in the service of healing from trauma. When it’s my turn to introduce writing, several women protest:

“I have no privacy. No way I can write anything honest.”

“Why would I write that $@&%!! I’m living it, isn’t that enough?”

“I’ve never been a journal writer.”

I explain the physical and mental health benefits of writing about difficult life experiences, drawing on the research of Pennebaker and Smyth (2016.)

While all the women in the group also work with an individual counselor, I encourage them to write during this group, saying “Sometimes you are your own best counselor. Give writing a try, and see whether this is one of the modalities that you find helpful.” Next week, Katie* brings her journal.

“OK, you asked for it,” she warns. Reading aloud, Katie describes her rape with vivid, sensory, emotional language. The participants sit in silence for a while before responding. At the end of the session I suggest that she write using one or more of several approaches; help she wishes she could have called on, what she is learning about her resilience and toughness, or an alternate ending that interrupts the violence. She chooses the alternate ending. When Katie reads the new ending a few weeks later, she sits in silence then says, “I am going to give that

ending more time in my imagination .”

Writing Through Grief

Not everyone wants to write after experiencing the loss of a beloved other. We seem to benefit from writing if we have sought bereavement or other counseling. Traumatic or complicated grieving presents an ideal opportunity for writing to process loss. Attachment style makes a difference. When the purpose of writing is to process the permanent loss of a beloved other, writing can heal the gaping identity wound of a loss.

I experienced four family deaths in a short period of time. When my younger sister died suddenly of brain cancer in 2004, as a long-time journal-writer I naturally began to write as a way to seek meaning and solace. With no thought of publishing this writing, I explored my obsession with my sister’s belongings, our sister relationship, my anguish at not knowing how I would restructure my identity after the loss of my best friend and confidant, dreams that arose in which my sister and parents, who had also died, appeared, and imaginary dialogues with my family members.

When my sister’s colleagues asked me to write her biography to give background to an academic journal honoring her work as a communication professor, I eagerly searched my memory for stories that illuminated her younger years and later academic writing. In the process of writing, my own shattered heart began to mend. This year my book-length memoir, with stories of loss and resilience, will be published. While I did not begin with the idea of writing for others, I experience satisfaction in detailing my individual response to grief and healing.

Benefits of Writing

Across many experiments, people experience a positive effect from employing expressive writing to cope with difficult life experiences. Even though a traumatic or grievous experience comes crashing into one’s life unbidden, through writing, one can shape and explore the difficulty. Writing takes time. Taking time to write of one’s own life experience provides a way to respect, hone and understand the trauma or loss. We dignify our lives by taking seriously, in writing, the unwanted experience. We can make meaning of tragedy. Simply writing emotively, without telling a story, is not effective. Creating a narrative helps one write with authority in the face of unwanted change.

What Writing Formats Bring Relief?

People respond differently to trauma and grief. Some will journal, write personal essays honoring someone, explore imaginary dialogues, or write letters to the departed. All these forms of writing help create healing continuing bonds with the lost person. The sense of self disrupted by trauma begins to mend.

Parents and Children in Conflict

Mon, 01 Jan 2007 16:20:19 GMT

Unconditional love in parent-child relationships may not be naturally wired in humans.

I always suspected that my father had it in for me. My dad was a brilliant showman and comedian who turned angry and intolerant around me. He arrived in the United States from Italy as a 31-year-old emigre with a new bride, a rudimentary grasp of English, and a lot of brio. I arrived nine months later.

Perhaps our most authentic exchange occurred when, as an adult, I finally confronted him about his feelings toward me. He admitted that he thought that his new opportunities had been quashed by parenthood . Harsh? Sure. But honest, too. The fact is my father's ambivalence about me is not so uncommon.

Unconditional love is a wonderful ideal. That's why it is so disconcerting to learn that a parent's love has limitations. People are not designed to give endless attention and resources to a child—no matter how much they might want to—because the strategies that allowed our ancestors to pass on their genes sometimes involved setting limits on care and even choosing which of multiple children to invest most heavily in. My father made the ( unconscious ) decision to work hard for his entire family's future, but not to nurture or bond with a child who came knocking at an inconvenient moment in this endeavor.

Intergenerational conflict often springs from limited time and resources. Parents want to shelter and support their kids—but only to a point. Children want to experience that support for as long as possible. A significant number of parents may unwittingly give more attention to the first- and last-born, forcing middle children to work harder for attention and resources.

Gender also plays a role in the war for parental attention. Boys tend to be favored under plentiful conditions because males with resources attract higher-quality mates. (Again, this psychological tendency operates below the level of conscious awareness.)

Finally, there's the clash of generations. Evolution proceeds through variation, and that includes cultural innovation . Our parents' views, alas, are largely calcified by the time we hit puberty. If you're over 40, Facebook could look suspiciously like a portal to narcissistic self-disclosure, and tattoos may be no more than "tramp stamps." But teens embrace that which differentiates them from their elders. When kids rebel, they react not to parental support but to their parents' values.

We're on the same team as our parents, but we don't play the same positions. We share 50 percent of our genes with each of our parents, but we differ in the other 50. This has emotional consequences. Ashley's mom eventually gets resentful if she has to drive to karate, ballet, piano lessons, and tutoring. Ashley, we love you, but this is ridiculous.

Why? Because parents are forced to make trade-offs they wouldn't make in an ideal world. Mom and Dad make an investment, the very definition of parental care, according to Robert Trivers, an evolutionary theorist. And return on investment is viewed from different perspectives by investor and investee because they have different goals .

Add siblings to an already volatile team and the familial unit becomes a tinderbox. Kids want parents to give them more than their brothers and sisters receive; it is for this reason that whining in some families is elevated to a Homeric art form. We are our brother's competitor as well as his keeper.

No surprise, then, that the emotions propelling children to seek attention can turn deadly. Kids attempt to faze parents with the vices of adolescence , including drug and alcohol use and reckless behavior. And, arguably, the suicide attempt.

Some percentage of teen suicide attempts have long been considered cries for help, risky gambits that seek to heighten parental concern rather than to truly end a life. Now Paul Andrews, a psychologist at the Virginia Institute for Psychiatric and Behavioral Genetics , has identified a pattern in the suicidal behavior of middle-born children that reinforces the idea of teen suicide as just such a last ditch effort to garner parental attention.

Andrews found that middle-borns are less likely than first- or last-borns to attempt suicide, but more likely to actually succeed in killing themselves. Even in a behavioral arena as charged as suicide, argues Andrews, middle-borns need to distinguish themselves with an act that is impossible to ignore. Because their suicide attempts are more extreme, the results are more lethal. And because the bar on parental attention is high relative to their siblings, they don't resort to suicidal gestures as frequently. These children either abstain completely or go all out; there are, ironically, few in-between bids for parental attention among middle-borns.

Parent-child interaction is a source of pain as well as the most wonderful, keenly felt love and devotion. Mark Twain noted, "When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned." Being a little slower than Twain, I came to understand my own father better at a much later age.

Cross-generation Communication

Whether you're 16 or 65, you may need help communicating across the vast familial cosmos.

If you are grappling with a difficult child:

Refuse to enter into power struggles. State your position in a forthright way, and allow your family member to make choices for him- or herself. Let him know that your love and respect is not contingent on their agreement with you.
Keep the channels of communication open and respectful. Try actively listening without judgment while encouraging any disclosure. Offer your own heartfelt desires for communication by disclosing your vulnerabilities. This models nonjudgmental openness and disclosure.
Pay attention to middle-born children. It is easy to assume that they receive equal attention when in fact, they do not.

If you are deadlocked with a parent:

Do not assume that you understand what your parent means if they complain about sadness, love, or life. Ask them to define it.
Stop demanding that your parent view things your way. A demand that they understand can hang you up in a resentful loop. An open discussion of differences will be more productive.
Although you're the "child," you may now be an adult: Define yourself as such even if your parents do not.